I think most people like to get gifts. They like to feel special, they like to feel like people care about them enough to want to spend plat on them. Gifts make me feel guilty. Like I need to give people something in return, or that I owe them a debt for what they've given me. I suppose little things do not bother me so much, but I generally feel uneasy with the whole thing.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes a little help is welcomed-I'm not exactly the most enthusiastic hunter and my main source of revenue comes from selling things on the market. And, unfortunately, I do not have very worthy things to sell. But I think I was suprised by the fact that people genuinely wanted to help, to give me things to make my journey easier. I wasn't begging or setting out to get a hand-out; I like to think that I'm independant, that I don't actually need people to help me out. But Brou offered to help me get my newest armor and despite all my protests insisted that I buy it and then return the armor to him when I'm done with it. I was touched, but again-I don't like feeling guilty. In my head, I said I'd try to pay him back as soon as I sold some WP's from the bank. And off I went to go sleep.
When I woke up, there was a package and message from Nyghtwyng. I was suprised to see that the package was the armor I needed. She wanted to help me, she said. I really couldn't accept it; how could two people be trying to give me this gift? But she insisted as well, and now I need to go find Brou so I can give him his plat back. That ought to be a confusing discussion to say the least.
Later in the day I was training on Kilican, wearing the new armor along with the faint sense of guilt that accpeting the gift gave me. I stopped for a moment when Low passed by and decided to take a short rest. We chatted for a bit, seems I run into him all the time anymore. I told him I was fighting the landrays, and then running back to Nyril to be healed. Told him I saved on potions that way. Before you know it, he's gone off on some story of potions he got for opening a treasure box or some such. Then he drops a bunch of them into my pack and runs off like some crazy pirate! I feel guilty for not having hunted enough, that people feel like they have to give me stuff to get me through my fight. And I love the help, but maybe I'm just a tad bit surprised that people actually cared enough to help me out. I think I'd begun to grow far too cynical.


On another note, I sat in the Inn for awhile the other day and met a man who didn't seem to have a voice. Sam, thats what he wrote down as his name. It was like playing a game, I remember having to guess things that people acted out at a party once. And its interesting, how you can have such an interesting discussion with someone who can't even talk.

In all honesty, its been a day quite unlike any other recently. For awhile I've felt as though I've been wandering a dream, trying to wake up. Like I'm there, but not really there. It doesn't help that often I wake when no one else I know is awake, or that I wake for only a brief moment to share words with a guildmate. But, now that I have gotten my armor and weaponry back its been high time to start training again.

I've been responding to the many raids recently, but it took until today for me to truly scout out and hunker down to train. I've been hanging around the ant hill, trying to remember the feel of the blades. But ahh, that feel does return swiftly...these blades know their master and once again I can feel my muscles move in unison and dance as though the most wonderful symphony was being played. When I feel these moments come upon me, its like a call I cannot deny. I need to dance the death of swords.

Today a raid brought me to Pico, whom I had not seen in a long while. Judging from the bunny ears and the tail hanging from his staff, I'd say he's become leader of the Clan. I must really be out of it to be missing such occasions. Anyway, he said he had a rare dagger he had no use for...what rogue would not be intrigued? I asked to see it, and it was a Duberry's left hand dagger...quite expensive, to sell on the market. He insisted on giving it to me-claiming, he had no use for it other than a bookmark. A bookmark!! That lovely dagger, a bookmark. I of course cannot use it yet, but he said he saw me and realized it was meant for. I guess that means that someday I'll have to be that well trained then, hmm?

I went back to training down the hill on and off during the day until I received a note from the new Iron Knight Valera that she needed someone to take out some demons in Verthedge. I cannot get through Verthedge. I know, the cannon seems to enjoy shooting me there often. But I had Lunitari as an escort and Anu to enchant me all up for the fight. The demons were not all that hard to defeat with a poisoned dagger and Anu's staff, but it was an exciting adventure for the night. I was glad Valera called upon me...It was nice to feel useful once again. Maybe I should try it more again.

And as for trying old things anew...perhaps some lyrics can work themselves out of me if I fiddle with my lute long enough.